Today is our 4th anniversary together. It supposes to be a day of celebration. But it turns out to be my worst nightmare. I thought I can change the fact. But the truth hurts. It really hurts BIG time. Today is the worst day of my life.

My eyes are sore. I’m going crazy. I’m thinking negative stuffs. GOD, please help me. I need a helping hand to be able to stand up and walk again. I need a helping hand to be able to smile to the world. I need a helping hand to be able to be happy.

I know I said a lot of stupid things today. But it’s all right from the bottom of my heart. Well, maybe it’s true that as the Chinese saying “Min Keong Mou Hang Fuk” (There’s no happiness if it’s being forced). But being in that situation it’s really hard.

In fact in the morning we went together to the Terry Fox Cancer charity run. I thought I can run away from my sorrows. But 6.5km is just too short. I expected it to be longer. There’s so much things that I need to think about. But 6.5km is really not long enough. I really want to forget the past and leave it behind. But it keep coming back and haunting me. I don’t know whether I am able to find my true love all over again. My heart has been broken. It has been crushed into pieces and it will never be put back together again. I’m like a broken Humpty Dumpty.

I know he still cares about me. But what is stopping him from loving me again? He said that his love for me is fading away. This really hurts me. I always want to hear the truth. And the truth really hurts. We’ve been so happy together. I’ve been so happy with him. But recently everything has just gone blur. The path is just so crooked. The path is heading towards a black hole. There’s no light. It’s just so dark.

Today, I can’t stop myself. I kissed him. But he seems to hold back. I really want back our passionate kiss. I really miss those hugs and kisses. This is just so heartache.

I feel so lonely. I’ve given all I could and this is what I get in return. I’ve lost everything. I’ve fought with my family for him. I’ve neglect my friends for him. And I even at times skip work for him and get bad reviews. And what do I get in return? Sorrows…

I still remember how he made my heart skip a beat. I still remember the first time we hold hands. I still remember our first kiss. It feels like it just happen yesterday. We’ve done so many things together. But now… it’s all gone.

Do you think we can still be friends? It’s not easy to face him again. I’m afraid that if I meet him again, I will never let go. It’s just so hard to say goodbye. Even before we broke up, I look forward to all our meetings, although we meet almost everyday. But even that time, I never want to say goodbye. I want to be by your side day and night. I want your strong arms around me that I feel secure in. I want people to be jealous of us. I missed hearing you calling me ‘Sayang’. But now, it’s just a fantasy.

I really hope you are happy with your current lifestyles. I wish you happiness with your future half. As for me, there’s no such thing as happiness. Happiness does not exist for me anymore.

I will forever love you. No one can ever erase my happy memories that we’ve shared together. I will forever miss you.